I have some things on my mind and don't know how to say them. So without editing myself, I am just going to...type as it comes. I hope it doesn't come across wrong. I've had a few big things come to me lately. The first one was my only real friend here is going to her home state for a few months to work and get her life on track. I'm a bit selfish on that one because I don't want to be alone without friends here again. Not long ago I find out a close friend of mine has breast cancer. She's doing better now and I am so glad. When I first heard it scared me though because her mom had cancer too. 2 days ago I find out a best friend I've had since I was about 13 is pregnant. Which I am so excited and nervous for her. She lost her last baby due to severe complications and I hope that doesn't happen again. Today I find out another close friend of mine has cancer. She just found out yesterday morning. More tests to come..but still added to my list. I have a little brother who I have never seen in person as well. Which brings me to my main thought. How can I be a good person? How can I be a good friend so far away? All these friends are in the same state and I am hundreds of miles away. I want so bad to do things and be there for these people but I feel like I can't. I feel like I am helpless and these friends can't depend on me. They say ,"Oh how sweet. Michelle called today....that's nice. She sent something today. How great....." But friends need to be sitting next to them...cheering them up, going with them to doctors, food runs for them...anything they need. Not phone calls....not cards....We have no money to spare right now which cuts into the phone calls and items in the mail....which leads me back to the questions of how can I be a good friend to my friends in times of need? How can they come to me with things when I can't even talk on the phone too long because I can't go over my minutes, I can't fly back to Oklahoma, can barely buy a card.... I have a little brother. I have step-siblings, I have my sister Jennifer...but I have a brother I have never held, have no memories made with him, don't have pictures with him. Which makes me feel terrible. I'm afraid he's never going to know me and know how glad I am to have him. I want the stories of getting in trouble and our.....our dad lecturing the both of us. Margi laughing at us because I taught him something I really shouldn't have. I have several boxes of stuff for him that I can't even afford to mail. I want to help my dad and Margi by sending all this stuff, but feel bad because the older Mitchell gets, the more they have to buy that I have sitting in boxes in my storage. I do what I can....but I feel like I should do more. And my friend Keely. She is my best friend and we are both a bit in the same boat. We live in different states with military husbands trying to fit in. We both need the same things and wish we lived closer. I don't want to come off as woe is me....I just have a constant feeling of the need to explain myself. I just feel helpless....
posted by: Michelle  |  date & time: 7:55 PM  |  comments: